I have enough money to put out a record (and why that’s a depressing thing)

I realized today that given my current saving and some projected expenses in the next 4 months, I actually have enough money to put out an LP. The problem is, I don’t really have an LP to put out.

Because of a lot of poor choices I made combined with years of self-flagellation, I’ve burned all of my bridges in the music business, lost all of my connections and friends from when I was a “record exec”, spent years living under a rock and ultimately lost contact with the few people I stayed in touch with after deleting my facebook account. Hell, I don’t really see any residuals from my old RVR stuff, and any time someone actually buys something on Amazon that I have to ship, it’s met with mixed feelings of curiosity, sorrow and annoyance.

I DO actually have a project that’s been waiting on the back-burner from before I closed the gates of Gondolin, but it’s uneconomical and impractical and it would require me to force myself to get in touch with someone I haven’t talked to in nearly two years and make a very drastic change in my personal life which I feel that I need to make but have been too much of a coward to go through with. And even if I did those things, there’d be no real audience for it because I burned all of my bridges and lost all of my friends. I’ve told myself over and over again “I’m just not ready yet”, but as time has slipped by I feel like I’ll never be ready. And because of everything and everyone I’ve lost I feel I can’t ever get back, I tell myself “what’s the point?”

Anyway, the project that I had from ages ago that I could put out on vinyl was an old Medicide album called “An End to All Questions”. We were so proud of it, we decided that we could ONLY release it on vinyl, even if it screwed up our release and catalog numbers (which used a system that was slightly more screwed up than the Nine Inch Nails Halo system but significantly less screwed up than the Factory Records numbering system)*

It was 40-some minutes of mind-breaking industrial chaos. The LP jacket art was David’s Death of Socrates. I hope that I exported the art file, because I no longer have access to inDesign, though I’m pretty sure I still have the source files for it. It’s probably a moot point, though, because there’s a 99% chance that I’ll never put it out. It has no audience and, at the moment, not even a band to promote it.

It’s one of those many reasons why I hate my life.

*:All of our releases were in “milligrams”:
0mg (which people confused with OMG) – Medicide (self titled)
1mg – Hazardous Garbage (our second album; there were like 20 copies of this ever; don’t even bother looking for it)
2mg – Our first live show
3mg – Our second live show
4mg – Peace Be Unto Him EP (a cd-r with a couple different versions of “This Wrong Ideology”)
5mg – Into the Vena Cava (our 3rd album; a digital only release on Off/Bruma)
6mg – Concourse Ov Thee Forces (4th album; hell, we managed to get this one on Pandora!)
7mg – Black Hole (5th album)
8mg – An End to All Questions (6th album; unreleased)
9mg – Third live show (great)
10mg – 4th live show (mediocre; my now girlfriend gave my some bad synth-weed before the show & I could barely make it through the set, which we cut to less than 30 minutes)
11mg – 5th live show (good, but for whatever reason I forgot to include this show on this list and forgot to upload it to last.fm.  It’s somewhere.  the rest of this has been renumbered to correct this oversight.)
12mg – 6th live show (the best)
13mg – 7th live show (pretty good)
14mg – 8th live show (great, but audio & memories ruined forever by recorder picking up extensive conversation between now girlfriend and then best friend that now girlfriend made me throw under the bus)
15mg – Untitled 7th studio album (unreleased)

Update: Wow.  I just found an epitaph left for us by one of our biggest fans:

“while Medicide is no more — they left us so much, and like most great things, they too where not appreciated in their own place and time… “- Thee Uncondemning Momus

Goddamn…

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