The United Caveman Federation Tell-All (Part 11)

The United Caveman Federation was so cool, PCs began to insist on being allowed to adventure there during the Braunstein [the Trollopulous PC game was on hiatus at the time]. What happened to Bob Dobs, the first PC to visit the UCF?

Note: this is also the first significant appearance of Chief Fudd of Fug, who has become a [relatively] major figure in both the UCF and the Trollopulous campaign.

Kes:

So Bob Dobs, Cleric of the SubGenius, arrives safely at Cave 6 on a horse seeking to spread his faith.

*Fighter/Cleric. He’s a half-elf

Cirsova

Okay, you make to the hex of Cave 6, but you don’t exactly arrive safely at Cave 6. You’re stopped by a group of 5 grugs who have been tracking through the wilderness. They want to know what weird man is doing in their forests.

Kes:

Bob bows respectfully and tries to communicate and/or make hand signals about the great Battle of Mt. Glovermore. He also offers them some tobacco from his pipe.

Cirsova:

The leader indicates that he appreciates the gesture, but it would be more appropriate for around the camp fire. What is your business?

Kes:

He states that the cavemen who fought alongside him in the battle were very brave despite taking heavy losses, and was curious about their gods and if they were interested in hearing about his god who brought blessings during the battle (he literally cast bless on his unit of cavemen during the battle)

Cirsova:

The leader replies “God make grug and God provide for grug.” [he gestures to the wilderness around them] “What grug need with new god?”

Kes

“Grug’s god provides, but does Grug sometimes wish life was better? Does he wish that life were easier? That maybe there is more to life than getting eaten by a dinosaur? By achieving Slack, goals can be easier to reach and life can be more comfortable”

“I rode through the wilderness alone on a horse for three days. The only things that came close to me were a group of peaceful dinosaurs foraging. This is the path of Slack.”

Cirsova:

“The grug walk through forest God made. The grug eat what God provides. The grug work with hands God gave him. The grug of Fug know peace of wilderness till ear-man show up and talk of other god!”

“You want talk God? Go to cave, speak with Cleric, we take you. Else go home and leave grug of Fug in peace.”

Kes

Bob graciously decides to drop the subject and agrees to go to the cave to see the cleric.

Cirsova:

You’re taken to the caves of Fug. Your arrival has been expected. runners must have been sent that you did not see. On a stone throne, you see a guy who is obviously the chief, along with several warriors and a man who is obviously a Shaman. Women and children watch the scene with curiosity from a distance, while dozens of other cavemen look on. The leader of the patrol makes a summary of your case. The Chief, Fudd, demands to know what you are doing here. He doesn’t seem immediately inclined to allow you to enter discourse with the clan’s shaman.

Kes:

“Hail, great chieftain! Having seen the strength of the people of the caves during the grand battle of the mountain, I have come to show proper honor to you.” He bows and offers some tobacco.

“Word of your deeds has spread to the city of Trollopulous, and undoubtedly elsewhere, and I have concerns for your people’s safety, both physically, from the armies beyond, and spiritually, from the debauchery of the great, wicked city.”

Cirsova:

[Some underlings take the tobacco]

“you are first man we have from wicked city, and you propose the grug of Fug abandon God who created them for god from wicked lands beyond?”

You notice Fudd doing a point with his chin and some subtle nodding.

Kes:

“I may be of the city, but I have no set place among them and my god is not their god. But I am at peace, because the SubGenius has given me the wisdom to know that my god wants me to be free and comfortable in this world.”

Cirsova

“Your god is greater than God who makes and provide for grugs of Fug? Depart from these lands, never to return, or show us, and we will be convinced that your god and God of grug are on in same,”

[do you leave or accept the challenge?]

Kes:

“What would you have me do to?”

“*do

Cirsova:

10 cave bears attack you.

They have been ushered in by the various cavemen while the spectacle was going on, and the nod was the signal to release them.

Kes:

lol

Cirsova

I’ve let Jeffro know we have a trial by combat to adjudicate XD

Kes

I don’t have my stats at hand, but I’m pretty sure a lvl 2 fighter/level 1 cleric can’t take 10 cave bears in a fair fight. Let me see what kind of spells I have.

Cirsova:

oh, yeah, I think one of them probably tears you apart.

Kes:

All right. I can see the chief from where I am yes?

Cirsova:

maybe, but I don’t know if you have time to do anything.

what are you trying to do?

Kes:

Light takes 4 segments. If I have that, I cast it right in front of his face trying to blind him and scare him into calling off the bears. If not…

Cirsova

lol, sorry friend! The cavemen of Cave #6 were not ready to be proselytized to.

Kes

Lol, ah well. The life of a missionary is often brief.

Cirsova

Indeed. However you can take solace in knowing that your death has affirmed in them that there is no God but God who made the grug!

 

Kes:

AC/BC – You Shook Me All Night Long (PALEOROCK CLASSIC)

youtube.com

HA. May their feasting be merry tonight.

I’ll have to see what Items the grugs looted off his corpse later. I don’t think he had anything magical

Cirsova

All right

Whatever’s left of him will be given a proper burial

Kes

This domain shit’s hilarious.

Cirsova

Yeah, it was fun, thanks!

Kes

Best part is, there was a chance that he could’ve pulled it off. Maybe a different cave. Maybe a different hustle. Maybe casting a spell during the convo to impress the chief.

Cirsova

I’ll let you in on a bit of a hint: the cavemen really don’t need all that much, least of all a new religion. They more or less function as a neutral faction, with no grand designs.

[Also, for some reason I was thinking your cleric was higher level]

[Should’ve known better if he was multi-class]

Kes:

He was trying to get them hooked on tobacco as leverage, so they were probably right to kill him.

Cirsova

Lol

I don’t know if cavemen had taken up tobacco usage. I should look that up.

[I’m running the faction based mostly on having read Clan of the Cave Bear, but don’t know if we’re going to be migratory.]

Kes:

Besides, meme PCs get old after a while. I won’t really miss him.

Cirsova

Okay, Jeffro says that once you have your character sheet in front of you, let me know what loot you had so he can award Fudd XP.

Kes:

Cool. That’ll be after work, so like an hour or two.

“City Man think he smarter than Grug. But City Man not smarter than Cave Bear.”

All right, Bob had 1,291 gp on him, a battle axe, set of plate mail, and a dagger. Also a 10 ft pole, backpack, 50 feet of rope and some yucky city food rations

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