Creating Mongoose and Meerkat TTRPG Content the #BROSR Way

[Only a few days left to back Tales of the Mongoose and Meerkat Volume 3: The Redemption of Alness!]

When we first started doing the Mongoose and Meerkat books, one of the things I wanted to do for fun on the side as bonus content was do write-ups of parts of the stories that could be used at the gaming table.

This hearkened back to my days of reviewing short pulp fiction and talking about ways in which one could easily adapt short adventure fiction into adventures at the game table. One of the first examples of this was where I showed how you could run Fritz Leiber’s Jewels in the Forest with as little as a single stat block. Later, as something of a tour de force, I not only came up with some stats for Basil Wells’ Raiders of the Second Moon, I eventually ran it as a mini hex crawl for my gaming group.

So, it only seemed natural to provide some examples of how you could adapt elements of Mongoose & Meerkat into your game. I’m still very proud of the writeup I did in volume one for Battlefield of Keres, which can be dropped as an adventuring location into your hexcrawl. I’ve heard at least one person has tried it out and had fun with it.

My own tastes in gaming have changed, largely thanks to my experience with the BROSR. One thing we discovered was the greater wargame at work in AD&D. We went from some impressive skirmishes in the United Caveman Federation in the Trollopulous game to some insanely large-scale battles, such as the Battle for Castle Brovenloft, in the Halloween Braunstein Kes ran last October.

This coincides nicely with the climax of Tales of the Mongoose and Meerkat: while Kat and Mangos have been adventuring together, Mangos has been spending his money on wine, women, and antique weapons, but Kat has been saving her money to raise an army. Following the turning point in Death and Renewal and Thunder in the North, M&M’s scale shifts towards domain level play. The scale is smaller than what we’ve played in our Braunsteins and the factions fewer, but it’s there: Kat and the Alnessi remnants on one side, Rhygir and his free company on another, and Bardor’s Fedai as something of a wildcard.

The second to last Mongoose and Meerkat story features a set piece battle between the Alnessi and the Rhygirians. Mangos, a fighting man, has his first opportunity to command troops and fight on the line.

Flight of the Mongoose is a cool story, but there’s plenty of fodder for dragon hunting to incorporate into your game. I decided to focus instead on Trapped in the Loop, which will first appear in Volume 3 but will later be serialized in the Fall issue this year.

One challenge is that I’ve been primarily writing from a B/X viewpoint, while my gaming and interests have shifted to AD&D. Both B/X and AD&D have the tactical wargame embedded in them, though B/X merely hints at it and ultimately eschews it completely in favor of the “War Machine” rules. You can still use it, though, it’s merely a matter of scaling [1 figure = 20 men, multiply damage done by a unit by the number of figures on the front line, subtract the number of figures killed from the opposing unit].

I ultimately gave the unit stats in AD&D terms with a few notes for if you’re using a system with AC 9 as its baseline [eg. treat units with Scale armor as having Plate -1].

I think the characters themselves ought to convert easily enough, though I do not intent to rework all of their stats’ effect tables.

One conundrum was Kat’s Dragon Steel plate armor. I didn’t feel like rewriting her as a Fighter/Thief dual-class. She’d always been a high-dex fighter, which is more consistent in B/X with the Thief class than the Fighter class [Thief is the big damage-dealer in B/X when used correctly]. The Dragon Steel plate she gets is explicitly ultralight [lighter than Silvecite (think Elven/Mithril equivalent)], flexible, and custom fit to her, so I decided that it would be easier to treat it as an artifact-level item that has properties of magic plate AND leather, so she can get around the class restriction and still keep her dex bonus. She can’t use Thief skills in it, but it’s something of an equalizer against Rhygir, who is a very strong fighting man with Silvecite full plate.

Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy what I’ve cooked up for the bonus content this time around and might consider either trying it out or trying out large-scale battles in your D&D game. They’re a lot of fun and that’s where you really discover the soul of D&D.

Power DoLLS Quick Start Guide

Power DoLLS has become one of my favorite DOS-era games, and I’ve recently been revisiting it, in part because of an old blog post I found that talks some about the franchise [though the post is newer than my review for it]. It’s really a franchise I’d like more people to check out, and I hope that at some point we get translations of at least some of the other earlier games in the franchise, but the series is mostly known for its steep difficulty curve.

When you first get into it, the game looks impenetrable because of the loadout customization, but really there’s a pretty easy logic to it, it’s just not laid out anywhere. So, I’ve decided to do a write-up on how best to equip your girls.


Enemies are mixed-unit forces, mostly tanks and mechanized infantry but with a handful of mecha.

Weapons load-outs should take this into consideration.

Power DoLLS is an Action Point-driven system, and anything added to your load-out drags down your total AP, reducing both movement and fire rates for the turn. Keep this in mind, and make sure that no load-outs put a girl below 20. [22-25 range is acceptable for missile/support troops, 25-29 is acceptable for balanced combat load-outs, and 30+ is ideal for scouts and hand-to-hand fighting mechs]

Missiles are king and essential for quickly taking out enemy armor before they can call in airstrikes and offboard artillery.

Heavy Missiles (DRu35) – These have 2 shots per load, so you want to save them for heavy tanks. If you can’t one-shot a heavy tank, finish it off with a Light Missile.

Medium Missiles (DRu25) – These have a few more shots and are more versatile than heavy missiles. They won’t one-shot a heavy tank, but they’re good for medium tanks and finishing off a heavy tank that’s at half strength.

Light Missiles (DRu15) – These don’t do a whole lot of damage, but they’re almost a guaranteed hit on tanks. Use them for finishing off things that aren’t killed by heavier missiles or for taking out mechanized infantry. Unlike the other two, you’ll have enough of these that you can fire them at mechs, too, without feeling like you’re wasting them.

Rockets – These are unreliable but they are AOE. There are a few missions where you need to hit areas where lots of units are tightly grouped. You might want to include a few units with these, but don’t go all in on them.

Make sure that you give any girl with a Missile rating of +6 or higher a mech with two shoulder-mount slots. Give them some combination of Heavy + Medium, Heavy + Light, Medium + Light. You may want to give one girl double light so she can finish off units hit by heavier attacks so you don’t have to burn a unit’s entire AP pool on a single target.

You might give missile mechs a machine gun or a rifle, but you don’t want to give them anything that will weigh them down more than they already are.

You can’t take care of everything with missiles, so you’ll need some girls to act as gunners. If a girl doesn’t have a +6 or better Missile rating, make her a gunner.

Gatling Guns – These are probably my favorite weapon in the game. They’re versatile and do all right against both tanks and mechs. Plus, they’re pretty good for attacks of opportunity during enemy movement. There are a lot of different ways you can go, but to me, best bet is having a couple girls with Gatling Guns and Grenade Launchers to cover for your missile troops. These also can do massive damage to clustered enemies. The downside to Gatling Guns is they burn through ammo fast. Shoulder-mounted guns have more ammo, so a good combo is a recon mech [one with a built-in shoulder-mounted scanner; normally scanners are hand-equipped] with a shoulder-mounted Gatling Gun and a Gatling Gun in the hand. And if it doesn’t put her AP too low, you can give her a grenade launcher.

Cannons – The 105mm and 85mm shoulder mounted cannons are the best anti-mech weapons, and they’re also okay against tanks. However, given that most of your enemies will be tanks, you’ll probably only want a few mechs with cannons. They’re heavy, so sometimes I’ll give a girl who’s got a heavy missile a cannon instead of a light missile so that they’ve got some anti-mech capability.

Scouts & Bruisers
Some girls aren’t great at missile but have better than decent scanning. Or maybe they don’t, but they’re not useless, and getting them into fights will make them better.

Your missile mechs are your most valuable troops, and there’s nothing worse than one of them getting blown up before you can fire off all of their missiles. So, you need to be able to protect them, and scouts and bruisers can run interference to do so.

There are a few key things you want to do with these:
-keep their AP high, 30 minimum
-high HP mecha, 75 or greater
-light loadouts (this helps with high AP)

Assault Rifle – You may want to give a scout an AR; they have good range and good accuracy, even if they do low damage. This can help with cleanup if there’s something heavy troops missed or failed to finish off.

SMG – I’m not a huge fan of the SMG; it’s better as a backup weapon for heavy troops because of its light AP cost and opportunity fire, but some girls have AP to spare and you can give them a Gatling Gun instead.

Sensor – If you can keep a girl’s AP above 30 and still give them a sensor, give them a sensor. Scanning range is everything in this game.

The reasons you want to keep AP high for these girls:
-Scouting: Everything in this game comes down to spotting. Being able to either use standard or safe movement to detect enemies outside of opportunity fire is huge. Spot them and take them down with your missile troops. If they can’t see you, they can’t call in air/artillery strikes.
-Drawing Fire: Okay, this is also why you want high HP for these girls, too, but with high AP, you can make multiple safe moves to draw enemy opportunity fire and still have a little AP left over. And with safe moves, machine gun fire is less likely to chip away at you [maybe 5 HP when it hits, and if you’ve got 75-95, you can take it].
-Charge: The only guaranteed way to damage an enemy in Power DoLLS is hand-to-hand combat. You need to move into an adjacent enemy hex, but tanks are no match for your mecha. So, with high AP, once you’ve drawn fire, you can use “Quick” movement to close the distance and punch through.

Remember: the key to Power DoLLS is patience.

You’re ALWAYS going to be outnumbered and outgunned. Strategy is the key to victory. If you go charging in and your girls get isolated, they’ll be picked off, and you’ll lose.

If someone gets damaged but still has missile capability, keep them back and do everything you can to have them end the mission alive. While I don’t think your girls ever die, injuries and MIAs carry over for as many as two missions.

If you’re spotted, clear the area. You don’t have to move far, but you have to move. If they enemy has air superiority or off-board artillery, you can be sure they’ve called it in on your location. Save AP to move at least 2-3 hexes from your last position.

Similarly, keep in mind that enemies who’ve spotted you or are on the march won’t stay still for your airstrikes or artillery; if you had an unseen spotter, great; if not, go with saturation bombing of key strategic areas and make sure you don’t move into them yourself before the fireworks go off.

Battle for Castle Brovenloft: Brovenloft Tell-all(Tell-some)

I’m posting this for posterity, scheduled to go live after Halloween, but I wanted to show some of the work that went into this. This is some of the actual game work that’s going on behind the shitposting and diss tracks. It’s kind of insane, honestly. Maybe this is the battle that happened October 10th? No idea! But that was the plan… [Update, this battle took 5 days to fully resolve, lasting 11 rounds. Kangsta lost, because the entire forces of Heaven and Hell were arrayed against him, but his army did a lot of damage on the way out.]

Part 1 Troop Composition.

10 units – Front rank
284 CL 1 – Sanctuary
135 CL 2 – Remove Fear, Sanctuary
45 CL 3 – Remove Fear, Sanctuary, Hold Person
27 CL 4 – Bless, Cure Light, Sanctuary, Hold Person, Silence
11 CL5 – Bless, Cure Light, Sanctuary, Chant, Hold Person, Spiritual Hammer, Prayer
4 CL6 – Bless , Cure Light, Command, Chant, Resist Fire, Hold Person, Dispel Magic, Animate Dead
1 CL7 – Bless, Cure Light, Remove Fear, Hold Person, Resist Fire, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Prayer, Cure Serious Wounds
3 CL8 – Bless, Command, Cure Light, Chant, Resist Fire, Spiritual Hammer, Cure Blindness, Dispel Magic, Animate Dead
1 CL9 – Bless, Command, Remove Fear, Light, Hold person, Resist Fire, Silence, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Remove Curse, Continual Light, Exorcise, Cure Serious Wounds, Insect Plague

10 – Back Rank
284 CL 1 – Sanctuary
135 CL 2 – Remove Fear, Sanctuary
45 CL 3 – Remove Fear, Sanctuary, Hold Person
27 CL 4 – Bless, Cure Light, Sanctuary, Hold Person, Silence
11 CL5 – Bless, Cure Light, Sanctuary, Chant, Hold Person, Spiritual Hammer, Prayer
5CL6 – Bless , Cure Light, Command, Chant, Resist Fire, Hold Person, Dispel Magic, Animate Dead
1 CL7 – Bless, Cure Light, Remove Fear, Hold Person, Resist Fire, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Prayer, Cure Serious Wounds
2 CL8 – Bless, Command, Cure Light, Chant, Resist Fire, Spiritual Hammer, Cure Blindness, Dispel Magic, Animate Dead
1 CL10 – Bless, Command, Remove Fear, Light, Hold person, Resist Fire, Silence, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Remove Curse, Continual Light, Exorcise, Cure Serious Wounds, Insect Plague, Flame Strike

Not shown
10 Hieracosphinx ridden by CL9
Bless, Command, Remove Fear, Light, Hold person, Resist Fire, Silence, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Remove Curse, Continual Light, Exorcise, Cure Serious Wounds, (5)Insect Plague,(5)Flame Strike

100 Lt Inf
1CL 11 – Bless, Command, Remove Fear, Light, Hold person, Resist Fire, Silence, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Remove Curse, Continual Light, Exorcise, Cure Serious Wounds,
Insect Plague, Flame Strike, Blade Barrier

2 Chariots
20 Chariots
1CL 13 – Bless, Command, Remove Fear, Light, Hold person, Resist Fire, Silence, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Remove Curse, Continual Light, Exorcise, Cure Serious Wounds,
Insect Plague, Flame Strike, Blade Barrier

1CL 14 – Bless, Command, Remove Fear, Light, Hold person, Resist Fire, Silence, Spiritual Hammer, Dispel Magic, Remove Curse, Continual Light, Exorcise, Cure Serious Wounds,
Insect Plague, Flame Strike, Word of Recall, Control Weather, Gate

9 – Sanctuary (3), Dark (3), Command (3)
9 – Hold Person (4), Silence (2), Spiritual Hammer (3)
9 – Continual Light, Blindness (2), Dispel Magic (3), Locate Object, Cause Disease, Glyph of Warding
8 – Cause Serious Wounds (6), Exorcise, Protection From Evil 10′ (2)
7 – Flame Strike (3), Insect Plague (2), Raise Dead, True Seeing
5 – Blade Barrier(2), Conjure Animals, Heal, Word of Recall
2 – Wind Walk, Earthquake

Part 2: Formation and Unit Makeup

Part 3: Orders and Action


Kangsta casts Wind Walk
Kangsta goes to tower of Castle Brovenloft in mist form
cast Quake. 10″ {100 yard} diameter 5d12 damage to all
structures, 1 in 6 medium creates in the area die {swallowed up or crushed}
Kangsta returns to his own lines via Wind Walk or fights targets of opportunity along the way

This is the signal for the troops to start advancing in formation.

Skeletons in front of Cleric units [one on each side of the center light infantry] will lead with banners of WOPK

Cleric units will cast sanctuary on their front ranks as enemy approaches.
If necessary, second rank will cast sanctuary. This will buy time for
higher level clerics to cast. The higher level clerics will cast insect plague
on advancing enemy troops.

2nd rank Cleric units will do the same, however higher level clerics will cast insect plague
then cast flame strike.

All cleric units are also under affect of
Bless – +1 to hit
Chant – +1 to hit, +1 to Damage, +1 to AC {-1 to enemy attack}
Prayer – +1 to hit, +1 to Damage, +1 to AC {-1 to enemy attack}

Light Infantry units will hold possition, and when charged,
Cleric leaders will cast Blade Barrier in front of advancing enemy

Chariots will move to entrap units attempting to flank. Clerics will cast
Blade Barrier, then Insect Plague, then Flame Strike.

10 CL9s riding sphinxes will be casting 5 Flame Strikes on Round 1,
attempting to target 1) Vampires and undead, 2) leaders, 3) cavalry in that priority
and 5 Insect Plagues

Wild Stars and TTRPG Patron Play

Been thinking some about Michael Tierney’s Wild Stars. In some ways, it is, in fiction, the closest you get to something as off-the-wall as a #BROSR-style 1:1 time game with patrons in space with multiple factions, pieces on the board and off the board, all in motion simultaneously.

Left to Right: Carthage, two Brothan, Daestar, and Mack

One of the reasons why it’s hard to pitch is that it’s SO off the wall and chaotic, it’s not easy to either compare it to other works or really capture in a nutshell what’s going on. How would you elevator-pitch the narrative of what’s going on in #BROvenloft right now?

Wild Stars VII [which we’re serializing next year]: With adventuring hero-teams still regrouping, the Wild Star patrons Strazis off the board still and Erlik dead, you’re left with the Artomique Space Nazis who control earth, the Space Pirates, the telepath guild, and the psionic T-Rexes vying for control of known space.

The God Father is back, but his faction [the Purple Order] is out of commission until he can breed more with other immortal women. Phaedra is in play and gathering her own allies to wreck the Artomique / Pirate alliance.

We haven’t seen much of the Brothan (space werewolves) lately. I’m sure they’re still out there, though, but the Black Star Reavers (Space Lizardmen) are a new wildcard faction that may or may not be allied with the Artomiques, but not the telepaths guild (or vice versa).

Carthage, the renegade Wild Star, who was a Patron from the Brothan for awhile, has been factionless for some time, but he’s still around in some capacity due to Dalucar, the Saturnian.

The crabmen’s influence is still being felt across the galaxy, and their evolutionary spike that landed on Mars led to the ascendance of the telepathic T-Rexes. We haven’t seen them directly, though, since the flashback to the 20th century in the prologue of Wild Stars V.

In the context of this Patron Level game, the Ancient Warrior/Strazis is an ascended PC who went from sword & sandal Fighting Man to name-level patron for an interstellar confederation.

If you were to run a Wild Stars Braunstein, though, you’d need the following factions:

  • The Artomiques (Achilles Hister)
  • The Wild Stars (Strazis)
  • Atlanteans [specifically the pre-Wild Stars Atlanteans and those who did not become Wild Starriors after the exodus](Broadwater)
  • The Brothan (Brotah or Carthage)
  • The Five-Thousand-Fingered Hand (the Madam)
  • Space Pirate (Red Queen)
  • The Saturnians (Dalucar)
  • The Purple Order (The God Father)
  • Phaedra’s coalition (Phaedra)
  • The Black Star Reavers (?????)
  • The Marzanti (?????)
  • The Dire Griefs (?????)

And that’s just off the top of my head and for starters. Each of those Patrons has henchmen [such as Genghis and Georgian, Achilles’ two main mooks] as well as a number of adventurers.


Because within those various groups, you have Erlik, who is Strazis’ son and one of the main leaders of the Wild Stars, his wife Daestar, who’s a member of the Five Thousand Fingered Hand (telepath’s guild that is actually a rival faction against Strazis’ Wild Stars).

Earth faction, you’d have Bully and Risky Bravo and their other family members, who are off adventuring on behalf of both earth and the Wild Stars, or, in Bullson’s case in the last volume, the Artomiques.

Different “PCs” are constantly forming, disbanding, and reforming adventuring parties against the backdrop of the machinations of the various factions vying for control of the Galaxy.

Anyway, Wild Stars VI: Orphan of the Shadowy Moon is being currently serialized in Cirsova Magazine. Part 3 just dropped. Parts 1 & 2 are on Amazon now.

We also recently published the collected edition of Wild Stars V: The Artomique Paradigm, which also reprints an original 1970s Wild Stars short story from The Multiversal Scribe that serves as a prelude to next year’s Wild Stars VII: The Gold Exigency. Plus, it contains some TTRPG write-ups for some of the major characters in case you would be interested in trying out a faction-based Wild Stars Braunstein.

The United Caveman Federation Tell-All (Part 12)

The UCF’s second PC visitor was Fluid the Druid. This was a much more fruitful encounter for the PC, and also established that the cavemen were partial to druids. [Mostly because they are naturalistic neutral-good, so someone that they see in tune with nature is looked on favorably and blessed, even if druids’ true nature is much more sinister.]


Hey. This is Fluid the Druid. I’m traveling to Cave 6. Will arrive in five days. Jeffro says play out the encounter now if nothing of note is happening over the next five days.

Fluid arrives riding a bison with his dog Petunia.


Alright. Not far into the wilderness, you’re challenged by 4 cavemen who have a slight vantage over the trail you’re pushing forward along on your bison. You’re probably not surprised by them, as your dog may have have indicated their presence. The cavemen seem wary of you and await introduction.


They might have met me. Had earlier contact and did battle as an ally of the Ringo tribe. In any case I’ve come looking for Ringo.


Gotcha. They recognize you after a moment, and 7 more cavemen emerge from the bush. They say they’d be happy to escort you to speak with Chief Fudd who rules the caves of Fug. Ringo is busy conducting tribal business elsewhere at the moment, but Fudd can speak on his behalf for his tribe


Okay, I’ll go meet Fud. Also, while a friendly greeting I’ll play with my shiny rock in front of him as the somatic component of Charm Person or Mammal. Save v. Spells to negate.

*[Note: Caveman rolls a 20]



The leader of the patrol looks at you for a moment, chuckles, says “Funny tricksy man. Save your tricks for Fudd. He may enjoy them, especially after last funny man came.”

You’re led to the caves of Fug. Chief Fudd recognizes you and welcomes you, asking what the cavemen of Fug can do for you.


Fluid is looking for help to try to understand what the mushroom men are up to. Next visit I’ll bring tasty animals if they find out anything about the Mushroom men and their doings.


Fudd says that he has no news of the Mushroom men, but a funny man came by speaking blasphemies and discouraging the noble labor of one’s hands. When asked to measure the worth of his god against the God who made the grugs of Fug, his god failed him and miserably. Fudd goes on to say that the stores of Fug are empty and the moon of the Great Hunt is still some time off. There are scraps which are of no use to the grugs of Fug from the funny man which Fluid may find of some use. Fudd invites Fluid to join him and his hunters for a week. With his mighty tricks, he may bring great game, food and ivory, to the caves of Fug and be rewarded.


Fluid agrees to aid them in their hunt. He will find animals that will give themselves freely to the hunters. Also, agrees to inspect the scraps.


Okay, shift to meta-game. I’ll let Jeffro know so he can adjudicate a week’s worth of hunting with Fluid and a bevy of cave grugs. At the end of it, if all goes well, you’ll get a pretty nice cleric scroll.


Awesome possum.


Alrighty. Looking forward to a mighty yield!


Should be able to use locate animals and charms to find some big game for you.

Plus, healing if anyone gets trampled/gored.


Great, we should be able to get some good stuff, take no casualties, and have a pretty nice reward for your help.

I’ve passed all the details along.


Me too.

The United Caveman Federation Tell-All (Part 11)

The United Caveman Federation was so cool, PCs began to insist on being allowed to adventure there during the Braunstein [the Trollopulous PC game was on hiatus at the time]. What happened to Bob Dobs, the first PC to visit the UCF?

Note: this is also the first significant appearance of Chief Fudd of Fug, who has become a [relatively] major figure in both the UCF and the Trollopulous campaign.


So Bob Dobs, Cleric of the SubGenius, arrives safely at Cave 6 on a horse seeking to spread his faith.

*Fighter/Cleric. He’s a half-elf


Okay, you make to the hex of Cave 6, but you don’t exactly arrive safely at Cave 6. You’re stopped by a group of 5 grugs who have been tracking through the wilderness. They want to know what weird man is doing in their forests.


Bob bows respectfully and tries to communicate and/or make hand signals about the great Battle of Mt. Glovermore. He also offers them some tobacco from his pipe.


The leader indicates that he appreciates the gesture, but it would be more appropriate for around the camp fire. What is your business?


He states that the cavemen who fought alongside him in the battle were very brave despite taking heavy losses, and was curious about their gods and if they were interested in hearing about his god who brought blessings during the battle (he literally cast bless on his unit of cavemen during the battle)


The leader replies “God make grug and God provide for grug.” [he gestures to the wilderness around them] “What grug need with new god?”


“Grug’s god provides, but does Grug sometimes wish life was better? Does he wish that life were easier? That maybe there is more to life than getting eaten by a dinosaur? By achieving Slack, goals can be easier to reach and life can be more comfortable”

“I rode through the wilderness alone on a horse for three days. The only things that came close to me were a group of peaceful dinosaurs foraging. This is the path of Slack.”


“The grug walk through forest God made. The grug eat what God provides. The grug work with hands God gave him. The grug of Fug know peace of wilderness till ear-man show up and talk of other god!”

“You want talk God? Go to cave, speak with Cleric, we take you. Else go home and leave grug of Fug in peace.”


Bob graciously decides to drop the subject and agrees to go to the cave to see the cleric.


You’re taken to the caves of Fug. Your arrival has been expected. runners must have been sent that you did not see. On a stone throne, you see a guy who is obviously the chief, along with several warriors and a man who is obviously a Shaman. Women and children watch the scene with curiosity from a distance, while dozens of other cavemen look on. The leader of the patrol makes a summary of your case. The Chief, Fudd, demands to know what you are doing here. He doesn’t seem immediately inclined to allow you to enter discourse with the clan’s shaman.


“Hail, great chieftain! Having seen the strength of the people of the caves during the grand battle of the mountain, I have come to show proper honor to you.” He bows and offers some tobacco.

“Word of your deeds has spread to the city of Trollopulous, and undoubtedly elsewhere, and I have concerns for your people’s safety, both physically, from the armies beyond, and spiritually, from the debauchery of the great, wicked city.”


[Some underlings take the tobacco]

“you are first man we have from wicked city, and you propose the grug of Fug abandon God who created them for god from wicked lands beyond?”

You notice Fudd doing a point with his chin and some subtle nodding.


“I may be of the city, but I have no set place among them and my god is not their god. But I am at peace, because the SubGenius has given me the wisdom to know that my god wants me to be free and comfortable in this world.”


“Your god is greater than God who makes and provide for grugs of Fug? Depart from these lands, never to return, or show us, and we will be convinced that your god and God of grug are on in same,”

[do you leave or accept the challenge?]


“What would you have me do to?”



10 cave bears attack you.

They have been ushered in by the various cavemen while the spectacle was going on, and the nod was the signal to release them.




I’ve let Jeffro know we have a trial by combat to adjudicate XD


I don’t have my stats at hand, but I’m pretty sure a lvl 2 fighter/level 1 cleric can’t take 10 cave bears in a fair fight. Let me see what kind of spells I have.


oh, yeah, I think one of them probably tears you apart.


All right. I can see the chief from where I am yes?


maybe, but I don’t know if you have time to do anything.

what are you trying to do?


Light takes 4 segments. If I have that, I cast it right in front of his face trying to blind him and scare him into calling off the bears. If not…


lol, sorry friend! The cavemen of Cave #6 were not ready to be proselytized to.


Lol, ah well. The life of a missionary is often brief.


Indeed. However you can take solace in knowing that your death has affirmed in them that there is no God but God who made the grug!



AC/BC – You Shook Me All Night Long (PALEOROCK CLASSIC)

HA. May their feasting be merry tonight.

I’ll have to see what Items the grugs looted off his corpse later. I don’t think he had anything magical


All right

Whatever’s left of him will be given a proper burial


This domain shit’s hilarious.


Yeah, it was fun, thanks!


Best part is, there was a chance that he could’ve pulled it off. Maybe a different cave. Maybe a different hustle. Maybe casting a spell during the convo to impress the chief.


I’ll let you in on a bit of a hint: the cavemen really don’t need all that much, least of all a new religion. They more or less function as a neutral faction, with no grand designs.

[Also, for some reason I was thinking your cleric was higher level]

[Should’ve known better if he was multi-class]


He was trying to get them hooked on tobacco as leverage, so they were probably right to kill him.



I don’t know if cavemen had taken up tobacco usage. I should look that up.

[I’m running the faction based mostly on having read Clan of the Cave Bear, but don’t know if we’re going to be migratory.]


Besides, meme PCs get old after a while. I won’t really miss him.


Okay, Jeffro says that once you have your character sheet in front of you, let me know what loot you had so he can award Fudd XP.


Cool. That’ll be after work, so like an hour or two.

“City Man think he smarter than Grug. But City Man not smarter than Cave Bear.”

All right, Bob had 1,291 gp on him, a battle axe, set of plate mail, and a dagger. Also a 10 ft pole, backpack, 50 feet of rope and some yucky city food rations

The United Caveman Federation Tell-All (Part 10)

An early [and somewhat inaccurate] timeline of the United Caveman Federation!

The Elric incident and the death of Bob Dobbs will be covered in later posts.

6/11 – Prince Elric arrives at the United Caveman Federation to conduct negotiations for a pact of non-aggression between their domains and establish trade.

Details: Elric arrives at Caves of Bog [Cave 2] to conduct business in person with Ringo.

6/14 – Negotiations conclude, and the cavemen will trade ivory for iron and women.

Details: 7 tons of mammoth ivory traded for 100 footman’s maces, 600 daggers, 1200 spears, 1200 hand axes, and 96 Trollops [used].

6/29 – Bob Dobbs is apprehended near the Caves of Fug [Cave 6]. Unsuccessful at convincing the cavemen to abandon their god in favor of Slack, the Chief puts for a divine challenge, the god Slack vs. the god who provided Fug with cavebears. The cavebears tear Bob apart.

Bob leaves behind 1,291 gp, a battle axe, set of plate mail, and a dagger. Also a 10 ft pole, backpack, 50 feet of rope and some yucky city food rations. + a Cleric spell scroll with Insect Plague, Animate Object, Blade Barrier, Conjure Animals, Speak with Monsters, and Stone Tell.

7/1 – Caravan arrives from Elric near caves 1 & 2.

7/2 – Cavemen conduct the goods back to cave 2 for later distribution, while Elric’s on his way with the ivory.

7/5 – Fluid the Druid arrives at Fug. Fluid is made welcome and taken to Chief Fudd despite a failed attempt to charm the patrol’s leader. [F3 Caveman rolls 20 on his saving throw vs. spell]. Fluid inquires about the doings of the Mushroom Men, but the cavemen have no news. Chief Fudd invites Fluid to spend a week with his men hunting, using his tricks to catch big game and replenish the stores of Fug in exchange for the Cleric Scroll. Fluid agrees.

7/6-7/12 – Fluid and Fudd hunt big game, at least one large animal per day.

7/13 – Fudd gives Fluid the Cleric Scroll

The United Caveman Federation Tell-All (Part 9)

The Braunstein began with Elric needing gold for something he was doing, and he approached the Cavemen to see what he could get from them. This led to the ill-fated convey that would change the face of greater Trollopulus forever.

Elric’s Caravan

The 7k is being taken from Cave 2, Ringo’s cave. It’s being carried by 5 Paleoscincus.

Our caravan is made up of:

60 cavemen, 20 Cave Bears, 5 Paleoscincus, 5 F3, 2 F4, 1 F5, and Ringo [this is important enough he wants to be there]

The caravan will be meeting Elric at the west base of the plateau to trade the 7 tons of Ivory for:

100 footman’s maces – 800

600 daggers – 1200

1200 spears – 1200

1200 hand axes – 1200

???? Trollops – 2400

The United Caveman Federation Tell-All (Part 8)

If u are in Jeffro’s campaign, please do not take advantage of these vulnerabilities during the full moon.

Cave Defenses during a Great Hunt:

The Caves are at their most vulnerable during a Great Hunt.

Defenders include: 10 cavemen who remain to guard, 1-2 F4 (depending on cave), 20-30 Cave Bears, 5 dinosaurs. Male children may use slings against intruders but will flee and hide after one missile round.

Against a serious threat that cannot be driven off easily [such as a wandering dinosaur or something] the inhabitants will flee and hide rather than stand and fight.

If a patrol encounters a threat that may be heading towards the caves when a Great Hunt is being conducted, runners will be sent both to the cave and to the hunting party. It will be the Chief’s call, based on the threat, whether to send any lieutenants back to the caves with additional men.

The United Caveman Federation Tell-All (Part 7)

The secret of the United Caveman Federation economy revealed!

Great Hunt

At least one “Great Hunt” must be conducted per month, where the 5th level must demonstrate his prowess by bringing down a beast worthy of his stature. [He does not have to do this alone, but basically, he needs to hunt with his men and lts. to show that he’s necessary to the tribe’s survival.]

Great Hunts = anything that brings food, skin, and ivory enough for more than just subsistence and allows for trade with other tribes and the outside world.

For the Great Hunt, the following will be done:

Patrols are reduced to 5 to free up manpower.

The Great Hunt party consists of:

60 Cavemen, 4 F3, 2 F4, 1F5.*

Dinosaurs are ONLY used to haul back game during the hunt or to assist in directing the gauntlet.

On the night of the full moon, the Cleric of each cave will cast Augury, and the hunt will be planned accordingly.

The Cavemen have developed sophisticated hunting strategies that will maximize the yield of the hunt while minimizing individual risk. Prior to the hunt itself, the patrols will have scouted the area thoroughly so they can devise a cunning gauntlet to drive prey through. Each hunter is tasked with either striking a blow or driving the beast further down the gauntlet. After each blow is struck, the hunter withdraws and lets his brothers continue their task. At the end of the gauntlet, the cave chief will deliver the killing blow.

Cavemen don’t fight toe-to-toe with prey, and will attack from the sides and rear angles with jabbing spears and will drive the beasts onward using thrown or slung rocks. Injuries during hunts are rare, but a hurt caveman will withdraw immediately, covered by one of his brothers, and will be healed back at the cave by the Cleric.