There are a lot of important things I probably should’ve been doing today, but in a fit of mania I wrote a 22 page script for a Batman Wedding. I hope you all enjoy this more than you did Batman #50.
Church sanctuary, wedding day. Members of the Bat Family and Justice League are seated in the pews in costume; Batman and Catwoman stand at the altar.
Narration: At long last, the day is finally here! The Wedding of Batman and Catwoman!
Panel One: Bat & Cat looking at each other in front of priest. Green discordant notes from the side
Priest: Do you promise to—what’s the organist doing?
Panel two: The organist is Joker.
Joker: I can’t believe you didn’t invite me to the wedding!
Panel three: Batman holds up Joker by the collar.
Batman: How DARE you!
Joker: Easy, Bats, you don’t want this wedding to blow up in everyone’s face.
Panel 1: An explosion
Panel 2: Everyone in the sanctuary is coughing; there is mist everywhere.
Panel 3: Joker’s head is on the ground, looking up; it’s animatronic, because it had been a Joker doll.
Joker’s head: It would be a shame to spoil such a happy day.
Panel 4: Batman holding what’s left of the Joker automaton in one hand, covering his face with the other.
Batman: Joker gas! Quick, get everyone out of the church! Cat?
Panel 5: Batman looks back to the altar. Catwoman has passed out.
Panel 6: Batman falls down.
Panel 1: Batman, Catwoman, Robin (doesn’t matter which one), and Batgirl are pinned to a large block of ice.
Batman: Where… Where are we? Cobblepot!
Panel 2: Penguin, Joker and some Joker thugs look on at the captive Bat Family. It is clear that they’re in Iceberg Lounge. One of the Joker thugs has a freeze cannon.
Joker: I rented the place out for a reception! What do you think?
Penguin: If anyone asks, I’ll just say Joker forced me to do it. No one would believe otherwise!
Joker: It’s true!
Panel 1: Joker menaces the Bat Family
Joker: Don’t you think I wanted to be a part of this? I could’ve killed you, but I got you a gift!
Robin: You’re sick, Joker.
Panel 2: Joker turns, hand to his mouth, calling.
Joker: Ladies, bring in the wedding cake!
Panel 3: Penguin’s henchgirls, Jay, Raven, and Lark wheel out a large cake with a riddler “?” on top.
Joker: Doesn’t that look good enough to eat?
Panel 4: Mad Hatter pops out of the wedding cake holding a bridal veil.
Joker: I’ll bet you were expecting Harley Quinn! Jervis, come on out, and show ‘em what they’ve won!
Panel 1: Joker gestures to Catwoman, Mad Hatter approaches holding the veil out towards her.
Joker: We’ll have Catwoman back to a life of crime in no time! Get that on her and set her loose!
Panel 2: With the veil placed over Catwoman’s head, she looks on with a vacant stare
Joker (off panel): Now go and rob the nearest bank. Get yourself something nice for the honeymoon.
Panel 3: Joker thug shooting Catwoman with the freeze cannon.
Joker: Hit the reverse on that thing Freeze loaned us… and don’t hit Batman, we don’t want him getting out!
Panel 1: Catwoman scrambles away.
Joker: And off she goes!
Batgirl: What are we going to do, Batman?
Batman: Don’t worry, I was expecting something like this. Hold your breath…
Panel 3: Everyone in the iceberg lounge looking around as gas seeps in.
Joker: Hey, what is this? Gas is MY shtick! No, don’t… pass… out… zzzzz….
Panel 1: Batman smiling
Batman: It pays to have someone working from the OUTSIDE.
Panel 2: The gas solidifies into Metamorpho
Metamorpho: Heya, Bats! Looks like these guys are down for the count with my sleeping gas!
Panel 3: Metamorpho is melting the ice with his powers
Robin: Thanks, Rex!
Batman: We’ve got to catch up with Catwoman. She’s headed to the 1st Bank of Gotham.
Panel 4: Freed, Batman is rubbing his wrists.
Batman: Can you and the rest of the Outsiders handle these clowns yourselves?
Metamorpho: For four volumes!
Panel 5: Batman has slung Joker over his shoulder.
Batman: I’ve had enough jokes for one day!
First Bank of Gotham, a towering edifice. Catwoman is climbing up the side in broad daylight!
Onlookers: Hey, is that the Catwoman?
Onlookers: What’s she doing?!
Onlookers: In her wedding dress, too!
Panel 1: The Riddler stands in front of TV camera crews in front of the bank.
Riddler: What’s black and white and robbing 1st Bank of Gotham on her wedding day? The Catwoman of course!
Panel 2: Batman grabs the Riddler; the cameras are still on them.
Batman: What’s your part in this Riddler?!
Riddler: The part I play is the part you say! Isn’t this your wedding day?
Panel 3: Batman has let Riddler go and walks past him.
Batman: I don’t have time for your nonsense. Batgirl, Robin, watch him!
Riddler aside to Batgirl: Even if it’s just an act, can’t you leave my face intact?
Panel 1: Catwoman breaks into the bank window.
Panel 2: Catwoman sneaks down halls of the bank.
Panel 3: Catwoman trying to open the Bank vault.
Panel 4: Catwoman still trying to open the Bank Vault, but looking surprised
Batman(from behind her): Stop! It’s over.
Panel 5: Batman lifting the veil off Catwoman; her eyes are clear again.
Panel 1: Batman and Catwoman standing in front of the vault.
Catwoman: What happened?
Batman: Mad Hatter put a mind control device in this wedding veil and told you to rob a bank.
Batman: Joker must have hoped that if everyone thought you returned to a life of crime, it would be impossible for the Batman and the Catwoman to be married.
Panel 3: Catwoman looking downcast, turned away from Batman.
Catwoman: Maybe he’d be right…
Panel 1: An interrogation cell at GCP, Gordon stands next to Bullock and looks on at Joker, who’s in a straight jacket.
Gordon: There’s always more than meets-the-eye with Joker’s plans.
Panel 2: Joker grinning in the room.
Joker: It was all King Tut’s idea, I swear! He’s so funky!
Panel 3: Gordon looks frustrated.
Gordon: Do you think it’s even worth questioning him, or should we just toss him back into Arkham?
Panel 1: Gordon still standing there, but instead of Bullock, Clayface is standing next to him.
Gordon: You’re awfully quiet, Bullock…
Panel 2: Gordon looks in horror at Clayface.
Gordon: What are YOU doing here?!
Panel 3: Clayface moves in on Gordon.
Clayface: I got a bit part…
Panel 4: Clayface
Clayface: and I’m ready for my close-up!
Panel 1: A blast of a freeze ray from the freeze gun hits Clayface and knocks him away from Gordon.
Panel 2: Bullock holding the freeze gun.
Bullock: Some Asian lady with a sword said this was at the crime scene… good thing I hadn’t checked it into evidence, yet, huh?
Panel 3: Joker furious in the interrogation room
Joker: What? That’s it?! I was hoping for much more in the third act!
Panel 1: Batman is standing in front of the camera crews outside 1st Gotham Bank; Catwoman is looking down and is wearing cuffs beside him.
Batman: …and that’s why I’ve decided that the Batman and the Catwoman can NEVER get married.
Panel 2: Two-Face’s cell; Two-Face is watching the live broadcast on his TV.
Batman on the TV: Batman is a crime-fighter, and the Catwoman is a criminal.
Two-Face: Why that no good double crosser…
Batman fires his grapnel with one hand, holding Catwoman in the other, and goes soaring off away from the press conference that’s formed around the outside of the bank.
Batman: It’s time she gets her just deserts.
A Gotham Courthouse.
Caption: Later that week…
Panel 1: Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle stand in front of the desk of a Justice of the peace wearing normal clothes.
Justice: Your paperwork is all in order, you’ve paid your license fee. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Wayne.
Bruce Wayne: It may be awhile before Batman and the Catwoman can be seen together in public.
Selina: I’m hoping that we’ll be in private for a bit. Meow!
Panel 1: Bruce and Selina leaving the courthouse.
Selina: This was all brilliant, really…
Bruce: With Batman and Catwoman ‘officially broken up’, there’s no suspicion about the wedding of Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle.
Panel 2: Continuing down the steps
Selina: And that’s fine. It’s the man I’m marrying, not the costume.
Bruce: …Of course!
Panel 2 circle inset: Nightwing smiling and waving.
Nightwing: Thank God for that, right?
Panel 3: Selina looks lovingly at Bruce
Selina: You may now kiss the bride!
Panel 1: Bruce and Selina embrace and kiss.
Panel 2: The couple ride off in a car together
Selina (from inside the car): Our friends are all waiting for us at the little chapel we booked just outside of town.
Panel 1: Arkham Asylum
Joker narrating: What? That’s it?
Panel 2: Joker in his cell
Joker: No big twist ending? Batman and Catwoman aren’t getting married!? Everyone saw that coming!
Panel 3: All of the Bat Family + Catwoman waving.
All: Thanks for reading!
Batman: See you after the Honeymoon!