There are a lot of important things I probably should’ve been doing today, but in a fit of mania I wrote a 22 page script for a Batman Wedding. I hope you all enjoy this more than you did Batman #50.
Page 1:
Church sanctuary, wedding day. Members of the Bat Family and Justice League are seated in the pews in costume; Batman and Catwoman stand at the altar.
Narration: At long last, the day is finally here! The Wedding of Batman and Catwoman!
Page 2:
Panel One: Bat & Cat looking at each other in front of priest. Green discordant notes from the side
Priest: Do you promise to—what’s the organist doing?
Panel two: The organist is Joker.
Joker: I can’t believe you didn’t invite me to the wedding!
Panel three: Batman holds up Joker by the collar.
Batman: How DARE you!
Joker: Easy, Bats, you don’t want this wedding to blow up in everyone’s face.
Page 3
Panel 1: An explosion
Panel 2: Everyone in the sanctuary is coughing; there is mist everywhere.
Panel 3: Joker’s head is on the ground, looking up; it’s animatronic, because it had been a Joker doll.
Joker’s head: It would be a shame to spoil such a happy day.
Panel 4: Batman holding what’s left of the Joker automaton in one hand, covering his face with the other.
Batman: Joker gas! Quick, get everyone out of the church! Cat?
Panel 5: Batman looks back to the altar. Catwoman has passed out.
Batman: Cat!
Panel 6: Batman falls down.
Page 4
Panel 1: Batman, Catwoman, Robin (doesn’t matter which one), and Batgirl are pinned to a large block of ice.
Batman: Where… Where are we? Cobblepot!
Panel 2: Penguin, Joker and some Joker thugs look on at the captive Bat Family. It is clear that they’re in Iceberg Lounge. One of the Joker thugs has a freeze cannon.
Joker: I rented the place out for a reception! What do you think?
Penguin: If anyone asks, I’ll just say Joker forced me to do it. No one would believe otherwise!
Joker: It’s true!
Page 5:
Panel 1: Joker menaces the Bat Family
Joker: Don’t you think I wanted to be a part of this? I could’ve killed you, but I got you a gift!
Robin: You’re sick, Joker.
Panel 2: Joker turns, hand to his mouth, calling.
Joker: Ladies, bring in the wedding cake!
Panel 3: Penguin’s henchgirls, Jay, Raven, and Lark wheel out a large cake with a riddler “?” on top.
Joker: Doesn’t that look good enough to eat?
Panel 4: Mad Hatter pops out of the wedding cake holding a bridal veil.
Joker: I’ll bet you were expecting Harley Quinn! Jervis, come on out, and show ‘em what they’ve won!
Page 6:
Panel 1: Joker gestures to Catwoman, Mad Hatter approaches holding the veil out towards her.
Joker: We’ll have Catwoman back to a life of crime in no time! Get that on her and set her loose!
Panel 2: With the veil placed over Catwoman’s head, she looks on with a vacant stare
Joker (off panel): Now go and rob the nearest bank. Get yourself something nice for the honeymoon.
Catwoman: ~meow…
Panel 3: Joker thug shooting Catwoman with the freeze cannon.
Joker: Hit the reverse on that thing Freeze loaned us… and don’t hit Batman, we don’t want him getting out!
Page 7:
Panel 1: Catwoman scrambles away.
Joker: And off she goes!
Panel 2:
Batgirl: What are we going to do, Batman?
Batman: Don’t worry, I was expecting something like this. Hold your breath…
Panel 3: Everyone in the iceberg lounge looking around as gas seeps in.
Joker: Hey, what is this? Gas is MY shtick! No, don’t… pass… out… zzzzz….
Page 8:
Panel 1: Batman smiling
Batman: It pays to have someone working from the OUTSIDE.
Panel 2: The gas solidifies into Metamorpho
Metamorpho: Heya, Bats! Looks like these guys are down for the count with my sleeping gas!
Panel 3: Metamorpho is melting the ice with his powers
Robin: Thanks, Rex!
Batman: We’ve got to catch up with Catwoman. She’s headed to the 1st Bank of Gotham.
Panel 4: Freed, Batman is rubbing his wrists.
Batman: Can you and the rest of the Outsiders handle these clowns yourselves?
Metamorpho: For four volumes!
Panel 5: Batman has slung Joker over his shoulder.
Batman: I’ve had enough jokes for one day!
Page 9:
First Bank of Gotham, a towering edifice. Catwoman is climbing up the side in broad daylight!
Onlookers: Hey, is that the Catwoman?
Onlookers: What’s she doing?!
Onlookers: In her wedding dress, too!
Page 10:
Panel 1: The Riddler stands in front of TV camera crews in front of the bank.
Riddler: What’s black and white and robbing 1st Bank of Gotham on her wedding day? The Catwoman of course!
Panel 2: Batman grabs the Riddler; the cameras are still on them.
Batman: What’s your part in this Riddler?!
Riddler: The part I play is the part you say! Isn’t this your wedding day?
Panel 3: Batman has let Riddler go and walks past him.
Batman: I don’t have time for your nonsense. Batgirl, Robin, watch him!
Riddler aside to Batgirl: Even if it’s just an act, can’t you leave my face intact?
Page 11:
Panel 1: Catwoman breaks into the bank window.
Panel 2: Catwoman sneaks down halls of the bank.
Panel 3: Catwoman trying to open the Bank vault.
Panel 4: Catwoman still trying to open the Bank Vault, but looking surprised
Batman(from behind her): Stop! It’s over.
Panel 5: Batman lifting the veil off Catwoman; her eyes are clear again.
Page 12:
Panel 1: Batman and Catwoman standing in front of the vault.
Catwoman: What happened?
Batman: Mad Hatter put a mind control device in this wedding veil and told you to rob a bank.
Panel 2:
Batman: Joker must have hoped that if everyone thought you returned to a life of crime, it would be impossible for the Batman and the Catwoman to be married.
Panel 3: Catwoman looking downcast, turned away from Batman.
Catwoman: Maybe he’d be right…
Batman: Exactly…
Page 13:
Panel 1: An interrogation cell at GCP, Gordon stands next to Bullock and looks on at Joker, who’s in a straight jacket.
Gordon: There’s always more than meets-the-eye with Joker’s plans.
Panel 2: Joker grinning in the room.
Joker: It was all King Tut’s idea, I swear! He’s so funky!
Panel 3: Gordon looks frustrated.
Gordon: Do you think it’s even worth questioning him, or should we just toss him back into Arkham?
Page 14:
Panel 1: Gordon still standing there, but instead of Bullock, Clayface is standing next to him.
Gordon: You’re awfully quiet, Bullock…
Panel 2: Gordon looks in horror at Clayface.
Gordon: What are YOU doing here?!
Panel 3: Clayface moves in on Gordon.
Clayface: I got a bit part…
Panel 4: Clayface
Clayface: and I’m ready for my close-up!
Page 15:
Panel 1: A blast of a freeze ray from the freeze gun hits Clayface and knocks him away from Gordon.
Panel 2: Bullock holding the freeze gun.
Bullock: Some Asian lady with a sword said this was at the crime scene… good thing I hadn’t checked it into evidence, yet, huh?
Panel 3: Joker furious in the interrogation room
Joker: What? That’s it?! I was hoping for much more in the third act!
Page 16:
Panel 1: Batman is standing in front of the camera crews outside 1st Gotham Bank; Catwoman is looking down and is wearing cuffs beside him.
Batman: …and that’s why I’ve decided that the Batman and the Catwoman can NEVER get married.
Panel 2: Two-Face’s cell; Two-Face is watching the live broadcast on his TV.
Batman on the TV: Batman is a crime-fighter, and the Catwoman is a criminal.
Panel 3:
Two-Face: Why that no good double crosser…
Page 17:
Batman fires his grapnel with one hand, holding Catwoman in the other, and goes soaring off away from the press conference that’s formed around the outside of the bank.
Batman: It’s time she gets her just deserts.
Page 18:
A Gotham Courthouse.
Caption: Later that week…
Page 19:
Panel 1: Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle stand in front of the desk of a Justice of the peace wearing normal clothes.
Justice: Your paperwork is all in order, you’ve paid your license fee. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Wayne.
Panel 2:
Bruce Wayne: It may be awhile before Batman and the Catwoman can be seen together in public.
Selina: I’m hoping that we’ll be in private for a bit. Meow!
Page 20:
Panel 1: Bruce and Selina leaving the courthouse.
Selina: This was all brilliant, really…
Bruce: With Batman and Catwoman ‘officially broken up’, there’s no suspicion about the wedding of Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle.
Panel 2: Continuing down the steps
Selina: And that’s fine. It’s the man I’m marrying, not the costume.
Bruce: …Of course!
Panel 2 circle inset: Nightwing smiling and waving.
Nightwing: Thank God for that, right?
Panel 3: Selina looks lovingly at Bruce
Selina: You may now kiss the bride!
Page 21:
Panel 1: Bruce and Selina embrace and kiss.
Panel 2: The couple ride off in a car together
Selina (from inside the car): Our friends are all waiting for us at the little chapel we booked just outside of town.
Page 22:
Panel 1: Arkham Asylum
Joker narrating: What? That’s it?
Panel 2: Joker in his cell
Joker: No big twist ending? Batman and Catwoman aren’t getting married!? Everyone saw that coming!
Panel 3: All of the Bat Family + Catwoman waving.
All: Thanks for reading!
Batman: See you after the Honeymoon!